You always wanted to know who was on Match

So allow me to give you a brief glimpse:

• The "Passionate Wet Kisses" guy ... Now, sure, a kiss can get a little wet now and again, but do we actually start out hoping it gets all slobbery? Apparently one guy does, and states his desires boldly in his profile.
• The "Be Adventurous" guy ... A "wink" followed by an email that says, 'Be adventurous, call me {insert phone number}. May I choose Option B: Scuba diving with sharks?
• The "Atheist" guy ... The one who seems to have ignored my profile completely when I mention something about loving God and Jesus and all that stuff.
• The "Tired of stumbling home from bars" guy ... Um, yeah. He insists he's a toad (with "bad habits, crooked teeth and too many pounds") waiting to turn into a prince, and that he's hoping to meet a woman to go home to, rather than stumbling home from bars to an empty apartment (with roomates). If I am indeed that woman, is it a requirement that we "stumble home" together?
• The "Never met a comma I didn't like" guy ... Well, he's adventurous and likes dogs, and he would like to get into photography, so he bought a disposable digital camera, and wants to travel to Ireland, and 'wrts u n txt' mode, and he's really close to his family, lives by the lakefront, did he mention he's an electrician, ...
• The "Not gay, gay" guy ... No comment other than to reassure you I'm staying away. Very far away.

Thank you, Lauren, for sponsoring my 6-month membership to Match! And yes, I know I asked for this, and yes, I know I must separate the "wheat from the chaff," as it were, but until then, this is fun. Or funny, depending on how you look at it.